This is the first stage of a 50 minute "active mediation". You blow your nose, quickly and repeatedly, and without any continuous rhythm. Imagine your hands are tied, you have a fly in your nose, you blow it out, and it keeps coming back straight away. Well I didn't imagine that at the time, but it's a fair analogy. I don't know the ins and outs of it, all I know is that the last time I went along with this I felt great, even before breakfast, so I had an incentive to be this silly again.
The second part got more interesting. You know when a performer shouts on stage "Make some noise!" and everyone cheers or shouts, well here you just make whatever noise you want and let it all out, scream shout get angry wail huff laugh you name it. Make noise like nobody is listening or looking.. well shut your eyes and it's easier. I was now feeling pretty chilled due to events the previous day, so the only sound I could find was a sort of lion roaring as if to say "fuck off all of you this is my territory and don't come back" It felt like a battle I had won had ended and I was just re-asserting possession of my territory.
Perhaps I felt this assertion had worked, or I was just getting bored of it, observing myself and wondering what the fuck I'm doing but doing it anyway. Maybe tiredness drew me down, but either which way after several minutes I found myself kneeling and a huge sense of grief came over me, as if I had lost someone extremely close to me. Though I have never experienced this, it felt like my wife had died. It was a disembodied grief - I did not cry I just felt it come over me. Then I lay down on my back, and felt my arms stretch out, palms facing up, my left ankle cross over the right - I felt pinned down, then huge pain well up and wanting to burst from inside my chest. I cried out in despair. This really fucking happened - I felt like I was being crucified - except the pain was purely emotional. Then after a couple of gasps at this, a bloody chime-bell went and, crucifus interruptus, it was time for the third stage...
I got up slowly, a withering wreck of a man, and stood in the position required for the third stage - a sort of tribal war dance - the stance was forearms straight up in front as in a peck-deck push, solid fists, back straight and knees slightly bent. Then rhythmically chanting the mantra "HU!" whilst pumping the invisible peck-deck and pelvic thrusting. It's actually quite relaxing and certainly empowering. The tears dried up and slowly the man returned to strength.
Ding. Stage 4. Stop. Where you are. Just breathe. I'm a statue of this HU-man, fists still clenched. I blink my eyes open to see what everyone else is doing without anyone noticing. People have their hands open, some in the air. I'm thinking, should I have my hands open too? No, fuck that, I have fists and will stay as the HU-man. Now this next bit might sound a bit new-agey, so have a bucket ready or fast forward if you need to. Suddenly I feel this sort of circular magnetic field around my chest, running outside of my arms, maybe a meter in diameter. I feel safe, very safe. A glowing sense starts to emerge from my heart and I can feel a power growing from my chest. It is literally heart-warming. My fists remain, but very slowly my fingers begin to uncurl but only a tiny amount and end up pointing back at my chest as if to say, hey look after this guy.
Last stage, music plays. Soft indian music. Move as you want. My legs are rooted to the ground, my arms drop lifelessly to my side. I feel no great urge to move, but slowly begin to sway subtly like a tree in the wind. My arms are so lifeless they swing completely naturally as I move, and now and then to the music I feel a gyrating rhythm take over my torso and I'm like a rag-doll being spun about. Normally I'm like a stick man bopping inanely to music, but now my torso has come alive and twists and meanders like a snake, my lifeless arms flopping all over the place and bouncing back as they wrap around my body. It's a lot of fun, and I keep my eyes shut to avoid becoming conscious of how mad I must look.
The music stops and it's over. I'm feeling pretty emotional from this unexpected morning trance, and quietly float over to breakfast. The day is only just beginning ...
No comments:
Post a Comment