How to be a bloke

aka "living love in men" or something like that

This is about a one-day workshop i went on yesterday, it was very cool.

Intro - hello, i'm Dirk your ideal daddy for today. He didn't really say that.

Sharing circle - talk about the object you brought in that represents you as a man.

  Interesting hearing everyone's bla bla bla. Anyway there were lots of sensible objects, stoney stuff, tools etc, and a johnny. I brought in a safe-non-sexual compass and waffled a little about how it was a safe choice like me, small and closed up (it has a lid) like the inner me (just the inner me i should add), but inside is a magic needle showing you a natural direction - exactly my idea of a what a man aspires to. So metaphorically my problem is that the lid is closed and the compass lies hidden in a junk box.

Body movement. ok here i think what we did was a quick re-run of evolution over the last several billion years compacted into a hour. It wasn't presented like that of course, but the jist was shake things up a bit (primordial earth comes to mind), then rooting your feet to the ground dance like a tree, then unroot yourself and move about as a wild animal, then slowly start interacting with other people. Is was actually very cool, and expertly directed by the course leader. I say directed, we were pretty free beasts at least within the parameters of the primary school gym we were in. Mostly we were wild primates prancing about and growling. Thinking about it now, the primary school gym venue makes complete sense. I should add that we started with eyes closed so this helped get into the spirit of things so inhibitions wouldn't kick in too much once sight became a requirement resulting from our newly evolved ability to move. That sentence was badly written and too long. Fuck it.

Lunch. all traipse down to the nearest hippy cafe or share your organic picnic

Talking stick.. sharing circle junkies will know this one, but for the spiritually dead let me explain. You grab the stick you talk. You don't have the stick, you shut the fuck up. So the theme was to talk about what you seek in a woman, or anything else that comes to mind. So I said that would come naturally from what i want as a man, but i could say at least that i value a women who gives me space to talk. Then i changed the subject to some traumatic events of the previous two days that culminated in me vomiting all night and weeping like a helpless baby chimp abandoned in the jungle. It seemed to strike a more real tone for me, since otherwise i'd bore even myself by for example reporting my textbook obsession with shagging random women. That said i was slightly disappointed i didn't get to read out the "something you have made or written yourself". I had brought along an extract of my blog "Sex in the city of Cartagena", which might have shaken me up a bit.

Caveman returns. Back to the school of primal learning, we line up and do a series of exercises in pairs that emulates what i imagine simple caveman encounters might feel like. It was all exceptional stuff, i thoroughly recommend it unless you are already in the fighting business, eg a northerner on a friday night, in which case there is no need to devolve in order to experience this.

Exposure. I almost forgot about this last part, potentially very potent. In 3's we took turn to be talker, listener, and witness. In rounds the talker would complete various sentences, the final round being "What i don't want other men to know about me is..." thinking about it now i could probably dig deeper, but anyway i came up with slightly lame stuff like "maybe i don't really have any friends" "i have no idea who i am" "i'm a complete wanker, literally and metaphorically" "i want to fuck everyone literally or metaphorically".

Ok that was about it, some more chit chat, hanging about for hugs and off we go.

Seriously though i found this course very interesting and rewarding. My jestful notes on it mask the deep spiritual impact it may have on me. Really. Anyway I'll be back for more.

Immediate aftermath

A more immediate and surprising impact was that within half an hour of coming out of this "man-only" course i found myself surrounded by many beautiful, sensual women some of whom jumped straight into my car. I say surprising, but of course it is obvious in hindsight. A lovely young chap on the course kindly invited me to join him at his house with some friends. And he only has very gorgeous girl friends. A small tweak to one of his chakra's would make him an instant Hugh Hefner. I'm sure we have something to learn from each other. 

Anyway everyone is delightful and friendly and arty, but down-to-earth. And they all hold your gaze, really hold it. It's unnerving for a spiritual vacuum like me, as in my book staring for more than 2 seconds  means "i want to fuck you" literally or otherwise. But does this also apply to this arty tantra crowd? It can't be they all want to fuck me. Or can it? But that's just it.. if woman is the giver, those into tantra maybe give even more openly. It doesn't make them sluts. Not any more than any other women anyway. But of course if I take this tantra stuff seriously then i wouldn't just want to fuck them. But i do, well not really, with gazes like i saw them give it would be making love from heaven. Maybe i would fall in love, at least for a while. That would be great. e.g. with Lilia, she was delightful, and a vocal chameleon, perfectly adopting any worldly accent. Maybe she is a temptress. I fought a nervous act between showing interest and inappropriate disinterest e.g. during an innocent conversation, somehow accidentally associating her with prostitution. Maybe my subconscious, feeling that i am emotionally unworthy of this woman, tries to sabotage any chances i may have.

Fantasy

Still things don't go too badly, i'm comfortable chilling out on the sofa, Lilia lounging at one end, another girl stretched out across the sofa physically bridging the two of us "going down on both of us" as she puts it. The innuendoes are pressing on my primal chakras and by the end of the evening these two girls are in bed together talking about having pillow-fights in their undies. This is too much for my little compass. I have completely manifest a situation where "i want to fuck everyone literally or metaphorically". I can live with fucking people i don't know, but with the connection i made on the course with my kind-hearted host, suddenly i know them all. I make my excuses and leave.

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Dreams. Last night I had a few dreams and here are some snippets i remember, not necessarily in the right order. Warning, contains mild sexual content.

Snippet 1. I'm in someone's house and there's a bloke and lots of women (theme connection with last night, but the people are different) The bloke reminded me of someone but i can't place him, perhaps someone from school about Tom Cruises height, I think I thought in the dream. Anyway the bloke is very drunk and wandering about the house he tries to kiss me (connection to pair activity where facilitator says "anything can happen" at least twice). While I'm pushing him off he starts to vomit (possible theme connection with 2 nights ago when i vomited all night) and it's disgusting as some of it lands on me but it's basically just white star-shaped noodles which isn't so bad. Still gross i hear you thinking. Well it was all over the floor and around the bathroom and i'm washing my hands there and conscious of one of the girls nearby seeing this mess and thinking it's me.

Snippet 2. I'm sitting with two girls on a single bed there is a sense of other people in the room. I'm tactile with one of the girls but afraid to make a move sexually. At least one of them is wearing a free-flowing skirt. I make tentative and slow moves (btw this reminds me of how much i find slowness and silence a turn-on, the fact that i move in and penetrate a woman is a sense of being drawn in rather than "wanting" to go in) Anyway, the moves are slow but the effects are quick as i soon feel her crotch pressing onto my hand, and this submission quickly transforms events and i find myself in a fabulous oral threesome (yes it's a fantasy). I remember thinking this maybe corrupting me somehow, and this diminishes the pleasure, or maybe it was the sense that someone was watching. Or that one of the girls for a moment became one of my ex's.

Snippet 3. I am leaving a house gathering (connection with last night). I'm planning to drive back and i'm with a friend who wants to stay. He is a largish English guy i don't recognise, he needs to get home by car too but he says he is going to stay and have a crack at Lilia (connection, i fancied Lilia last night). As i am planning to leave i see him lying on her in the bed and her hands are on his shoulder blades in a tentative embrace. I feel jealous, and scared that if he succeeds it would put my chances to nil.

I'm very tempted to add interpretations here but i will leave it open.

Afterword

I wanted to add something profound at the end here, and culminate with my favourite“so there, you need faith, it's the only antidote to the 2nd law of thermodynamics”. But all the clever thoughts that passed though my mind this morning, in the shower, while eating breakfast, you name it, they have passed away, they are gone. So I sit here trying to write whatever I think, it may not be useful, but it’s fun.

Oh sod it i remember some of the stuff i was thinking about now. So you take a spiritual path of exploration and maybe even achieve a tantric state with a loving partner. This experience will be very real. But the moment you step out and look at the situation with your conscious mind you will see that what you have done is entered a sub-world, created at the expense of the larger world, in which the conditions are right for you to achieve the experience of spiritual bliss. There can be no distinction. Your conscious mind will come back to remind you of this fact, through the cries of the larger world. So have heart, or fart.

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Some names may have been changed to protect privacy.